I’M. NOT. TIRED!!

Today is a good day because, I’M NOT TIRED!! Okay, so what’s the big deal you say? Well, it goes like this…

I usually always wake up sluggish, stumble through the morning routine with Leona, take my vitamins and throw cold water on my face to TRY and get motivated.

Tried doing the exercise routine to get those endorphins pumping, but just always got fatigued too easily. Tried meditating to clear my cluttered mind and give me a daily fresh start. Tried walking 20-30 minutes a day with BitsyGirl, it felt like it might work, but everything hurt and just wouldn’t stop even after a few weeks.

Round about an hour or so after I wake up, I’m so fatigued it takes over my whole body. Literally, my whole body just–Pulls. Me. Down. This tiredness really does take over my whole body, I feel it in every part of my being.

That’s about the time I’ll lay across my bed (I always make it 1st thing, so I’m not tempted to get back in bed), and pull my bathrobe over me for “just a few minutes,” which usually turns into, at minimum, an hour. It’s not a tiredness that most people have after a busy day with work or school and say, “Oh, I’m tired, it’s time for bed!”

Then, after I get up, it’s time to stumble through the rest of the day. Leona needs care (she’s usually napping when I am, or Sally helps with her), but mostly, I TRY to get something solid accomplished, but for the most part, it’s just bits and pieces of a much bigger picture of “things” that need to be done and generally get pushed to the wayside. There’s so much of it, that now, when I look at all I have to do, it’s just completely overwhelming, so, in the end, nothing gets done.

Every single day is exhausting to me and I never DON’T feel tired. It’s all a matter of degrees.

Since moving to Portland last year, and into a much smaller place (which initially I wanted, by the way), I have much less of my household things in the new place. Simply because there isn’t enough room. Going from 2100 sq ft, 4 bedrooms, a large family room, 2 baths, a large pantry and large back porch/laundry and 2.29 acres of land, I thought I wanted smaller. So, I got smaller. 2 bed, 2 bath condo. That’s it. That’s all. The remainder of anything I had in the house, plus the remaining inventory I still have from my store, is now in storage 40 minutes away.

Am I happy? Well, yes and no. Whenever I sell anything now, I can no longer go into the family room and grab it. I had boxes, bags, racks, hangers, etc all set up so I knew where everything was and could pretty much go right to it. Mail it off or meet the person, or in the case of bazaars, Saturday markets and such, just pack up the car with whatever I needed.  Now, I have to make that 80 minute round trip to get something I’ve sold and if I’m lucky, they actually show up for the meet and buy it. More often than I’d like to say, people just don’t show up. Or call. Or text. When you finally do get hold of them, they say things like…”Oh, I forgot”, or “I found another one for less,” or “I decided not to get it,” or (and this one I love) “I don’t have the money!” If you don’t have the darn money, why did tell me that you did and let me drive over to pick it up??

But I digress.

I’m always tired. Let me repeat that…I’m. Always. Tired! It’s not in my head, it’s a real thing. Years ago, in my mid 30’s I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatique Syndrome, Depression and Epstein-Barr virus.  Years before that, in my early 20’s, I was at the coast with my sister; we were laying out in the sun in back of our motel. Just at the top of my bathing suit, on my right breast, I saw a black spot. Thinking it was a bug or a zit or some other weird thing, I tried brushing it away, squeezing it, and thought nothing more.

As I was taking a shower, I noticed it was still there, bigger and kind of red. I really had no idea what it was, and I’d certainly never heard of Lyme Disease, (this was way before it became very widely known as an extremely debilitating disease, plus, when it first came out, it wasn’t on the West Coast, it was in Lyme, Connecticut), so I took the wash cloth and soap and scrubbed it really hard. The black spot was gone and I thought it was just red now from the scrubbing.

Went shopping, got some cute sundresses, enjoyed the rest of our weekend getaway. In the next few weeks and months, I noticed that whenever I wore one particular sundress, (it had gathering around the waist), it would be irritated, itchy and sore over my right side around the hip area. I figured it was the gathering and eventually stopped wearing it. The same thing happened with the area around the top of my right breast. I also found a red, bullseye around both areas.

Being young and stupid, I just chalked it up to a slight infection from a bug, or dirty nail, or any one of 100 other things I used to justify not going to the Dr to find out exactly what it was. Again, I’d never heard anything about Lyme Disease and, indeed, when it was first discovered in 1975, it took many more years before it was a recognized disease and they could pinpoint the origin, how it mimicked other diseases (RA for one), what to look for, etc. Our coast trip was in 1976.

After marriage and kids, my ex worked days at an Air Base so, in order to keep costs down (plus, I didn’t trust anyone with my girls), I worked nights, he worked days, so one of us was always there with them. I pretty much always worked nights, so had, for the most part, chalked up the fatigue to the lack of sleep. Opening up a small gift shop and also working at a bank at night, seemed I was always tired. To top it off, I got into merchandising greeting cards for three stores in our small town, I set my own hours, but usually had to put in anywhere from 5-15 hours a week, more before holidays. So, basically, I had three jobs as well as recently separating from my ex after 26 years, I HAD to work!

This is not to say that I never did anything. I was busy most of the time. Besides the work, I took vacations, trips, went to baseball/basketball games, cleaned the house, vacuumed and did laundry, rearranged furniture, rode bikes with my girls, mowed my lawn, pulled weeds, had a garden (for a few years), set up a swimming pool in two back yards,set up shop and tore it down again, did more bazaars than I want to count, moved, moved and moved again! In other words, I lived life. The best that I could.

In my 40’s, I finally went to the Dr, to determine if I might have had Lyme Disease. He told me after all those years, it probably wouldn’t show up, but he ran a test and it did not show up. However, over the course of those years, like many others who’ve had dental work or been sick, I’ve had random use of antibiotics. Nothing at all like the amplified one recommended for the disease, but enough that it just might have made some difference.

Back to the original storyline. Today was a very good day because I. Am. Not. Tired! I’ve been awake, alert, active (okay, so working on my blog isn’t exactly active, but it’s not making me tired either, which is a good thing!) and I feel really good because of it. I’d forgotten just how good it feels to NOT be tired, so I’m really rejoicing in this wonderful feeling. Tomorrow, who knows. But today is good!!  I’m. Not. Tired!!

 

 

 

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